Right Thinking From The Left Coast
Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window - Steve Wozniak

Saturday tension breaker
by JimK

Thought it might be fun to pick a topic that we can all get down with and have a little fun. I think I might do these as a series, just as a way we can...wait, this is totally going to devolve into a Thunderdome argument series who the hell am I kidding?

Okay, first topic/question: It is up to you to build the perfect burger, using nothing but what you can get in your average American grocery story. No Kobe beef or white truffle bullshit, just, you know, regular cow. You can be as simple or as detailed as you like.

Mine?  It’s pretty simple. From the bottom up:

Onion kaiser roll (bottom)
Thin layer of mayo
Thin layer of mustard. Something deli-style or spicy
Thin slice of mild cheddar
Meat, seasoned with salt, pepper, Worcestershire and garlic powder. 1/4-to-1/3 lb. patty
Thin slice of American cheese
Round of onion
Slice of tomato
Thinly sliced pickles
1 leaf of lettuce
Onion kaiser roll (top)

SImple, classic, awesome.

Posted by JimK on 05/09/09 at 12:42 PM (Discuss this in the forums)


Posted by Sean Galbraith on 05/09/09 at 01:17 PM from Canada

Mustard and mayo is an abomination. And that you might include something like a dijon… well, fuck you, Eurotard. It is the reason why God hates Texas. This is obviously the reason why the Gay Plague (marriage) has inflicted itself upon the Northeast. You have doomed them all.

Posted by Sean Galbraith on 05/09/09 at 01:19 PM from Canada

Bun (what kind doesn’t matter)
Meat (what quality doesn’t matter)
Sauteed Mushrooms
Swiss cheese (LOTS)
Other half of bun.

How the hell you didn’t include bacon, Jim, is beyond me. It makes me question how we have remained friends all these years. You disgust me.

Posted by HARLEY on 05/09/09 at 01:33 PM from United States

Whole wheat bread thick slice
REAL fatting Mayonnaise
pepper jack cheese slice
burger: farm raised beef mixed with black pepper Lipton onion soup mix crushed red peppers, minced garlic and Worcestershire sauce
smoked bacon
Swiss and Cheddar cheese slices
shredded smoked pork
Sweet baby rays BBQ sauce
Whole wheat slice.

THIS is what a local restaurant serves.

Posted by on 05/09/09 at 01:42 PM from United States

My local Kroger sells burgers that have cheese and bacon infused into the patties.  I’m a grilling moron, but they make me famous, baby!

Posted by JimK on 05/09/09 at 01:58 PM from United States

How the hell you didn’t include bacon, Jim, is beyond me. It makes me question how we have remained friends all these years. You disgust me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love bacon, but it gets lost in *this* particular burger.  Plus I only like crispy bacon, and that ends up crumbling and falling out.


My secondary perfect burger is:


See all that cheese? Holds in the bacon. :)

Posted by Sean Galbraith on 05/09/09 at 02:36 PM from Canada

Bacon never gets lost in anything but more bacon.

Posted by Sean Galbraith on 05/09/09 at 02:37 PM from Canada

Cheese and bacon infused patties… The future is promising.

Posted by FPrefect on 05/09/09 at 02:43 PM from United States

Cheese and bacon infused patties… The future is promising.

And they are nothing but delicious.  They do cause a bit of a flame up on the grill, but YUM!!!

Posted by on 05/09/09 at 03:15 PM from Germany

Blue cheese patties can be quite yummy, but don’t forget the caramelized onions on top....

Posted by on 05/09/09 at 03:16 PM from Germany

Since I apparently started this, here’s a repeat:

Toasted bun
2 patties of really cheap burger (nice and juicy, dripping with grease)
American cheese
Thin sliced Mayan sweet onion
This sliced Roma tomato
4 slices of bacon
Iceberg lettuce
Fried egg

Jalapeno peppers or sweet dill chips optional…

Posted by InsipiD on 05/09/09 at 03:39 PM from United States

No Kobe beef or white truffle bullshit, just, you know, regular cow.

I’m convinced that using ingredients that are too costly in hamburgers actually makes them taste worse.

(starting on bottom)
King’s Hawaiian sandwich roll, toasted
85% lean beef, salt/pepper/wocestershire
Sharp cheddar, melted over patty
tomato slice, salted (don’t bother if not in season)
real mayonnaise
King’s Hawaiian sandwich roll top, toasted.

Perfection would be served with onion rings and a Cherry Coke over ice.

Posted by on 05/09/09 at 03:44 PM from United States

For me, I like the classic spread, although I do enjoy any kind of hamburger that contains meat.

Steamed bottom of normal sesame seed bun
Thin layer of real mayo
1/2 lb. of 80/20 ground chuck, spiced with salt pepper, garlic powder, and chile powder that is grilled over mesquite coals
Slice of sharp cheddar cheese
Enough dill pickle slices to cover patty
Tiny amount of ketchup
Pickled jalapenos
Thin slice of sweet yellow onion
Thin slices of tomato
Shredded Lettuce
Brown mustard or horseradish
Thin layer of mayo
Top of Bun

All washed down with a Shiner Bock.

Posted by Hal_10000 on 05/09/09 at 04:18 PM from United States


burger - this is the key.  usually ground chuck, spiced with pepper, a little salt, some chayenne and a then given a little BBQ sauce right before cooking (texas BBQ sauce, not your new england sauces)

cheese—it may show my lack of culture, but I actually think American cheese is the best for this, with cheddar as a close second, preferably melted right as you’re abotu to lift it off the grill.

vidalia onion, 2-3 rings worth
1-3 jalapeno slices

mmmmm.  i think i need to to grill soon.

Posted by West Virginia Rebel on 05/09/09 at 04:23 PM from United States

Angus burgers
Kraft Real Mayo
Sandwich spread
Mustard (preferably dijon)
Cheese (I typically use Velveeta or cheddar)
Lettuce & tomato
Sandwich stacker pickles
BBQ sauce
Dash of soy sauce
Burger seasoning

Posted by West Virginia Rebel on 05/09/09 at 04:27 PM from United States

PS: With cole slaw and Amish macaroni salad as sides.

Posted by on 05/10/09 at 02:42 PM from Germany

No cookout is perfect without a few Third World orphans onhand - to watch me eat.

Posted by on 05/10/09 at 02:48 PM from Germany

I think what the meat is cooked with is as important to taste as ingredients. I like gas.

Posted by on 05/10/09 at 04:50 PM from United States

First thing it has to be grilled over a open flame, don’t get me wrong I still love a skillet burger, but flame is where it’s at. Always form your patty at least 1/3 larger than your bun, nothing worse than having just bread and condiment on your first bite. As far as seasoning, I always keep my combo grinder close, one side has sea salt, twist the handle and apply fresh ground pepper. I also take some Lea and Perrins and mix with a little spicy mustard which i lightly brush each side before I season. I can not stress this enough.. make your fire HOT, a heavy grate works best, because your cheaper grills that have a lightweight grate loses its searing power almost as soon as the meat touches it. Grill meat quickly to get a good sear on both sides, and if burger is still not done to your liking, only then move it to a cooler part of the grill to let it cook to preference, don’t blacken your burgers people!

Now as far as the rest of the burger.. who cares!
Use what you got handy, at the worst it’s gonna be GOOD.


Toast or grill your buns, it’s worth it.

Tomato should be sliced thin, thicker slices have a tendency to migrate when you bite into them.

And as bgeek says.. “All washed down with a Shiner Bock”. Is as good as advice gets.

God I’m hungry.

Posted by Aaron - Free Will on 05/10/09 at 05:06 PM from United States

Two ways to go:

Traditional: Pickles, mustard, ketchup, crispy lettuce, fresh onions and a thin slice of a juicy tomato.

Fancy: Sauteed onions and mushrooms. (This is even better if instead of a hamburger, you can do it on a nice slice of round steak or prime rib.)

Wrong, wrong, wrong: Mayo. It completely ruins the burger.

Never, ever press the burger during cooking.

Posted by on 05/10/09 at 06:28 PM from Germany

Wrong, wrong, wrong: Mayo. It completely ruins the burger.

Obviously you are some sort of escaped mental patient - stay away from my grill!! =)

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